Why No One Cares About Your Dog’s Death (and 5 ways to deal with it)
Dealing with the death of a pet can be hard enough, but when others don’t understand your level of grief or even why you are grieving, it can make it worse. What can you do when those around you don’t get it? Let me share my story first…
Falling in Love
I met my husband in 1998 and shortly after we started dating I met Sasha, his 2 year old, 120 lb. Rottweiler who ended up stealing my heart.
But it didn’t start out that way.
When my husband and I planned to move in together, I wasn’t keen on the idea of living with a dog. Another living being to take care of and clean up after? I viewed her as a chore initially, but I eventually got used to the hair tumble weeds and the early morning walks and I grew to love her.
She changed me as a human and I will always be grateful.
Letting Go
Sasha was diagnosed with cancer in 2006 and the prognosis was not good. Those last months were hard on us all. We tried to make the best of it, taking her to the lake to swim and giving her special treats, but watching her slowly die felt like a piece of me was slowly dying with her.
There were so many emotions- from feelings of guilt for wishing the end would come so we could get on with our grief, to wanting her to stay even though she was suffering. Then when the end did come, it felt like we murdered her, when putting her down was actually an act of love and selflessness.
That day will forever live in my memory.
“She still looks good,” I thought as we brought her into the vet’s office. “She’s walking ok today maybe we shouldn’t be doing this yet.”
But a few days earlier I looked into her eyes and she looked back as if to say, “It’s ok. I’m ready. You can let me go now.” And when her back legs no longer worked because the tumor was growing into her brain, we knew what we needed to do.
My husband and I were both crying as the vet listened to Sasha’s heart and finally said she was gone. I couldn’t breathe as we both held her one last time. The salty tears started streaming from my eyes and the grief came at me like a tidal wave. I was a complete mess and could barely drive us home.
We got home and then lay in bed with our other two dogs, crying and holding each other.
The Grief Begins
After that day I cried non-stop for a week. I went to work the next day even though it felt wrong. I couldn’t focus or function. And I was baffled that everyone expected me to.
“Why isn’t everyone treating me like I just had a death in the family? Why are they acting like nothing has happened?” I was angry that no one understood. Angry that I wasn’t getting cards and words of condolences. It was just another day to everyone else, but the end of the world for me. I thought I would never recover.
But I did.
It still hurts to this day, 13 years later. As I write this I am bawling, remembering that day we said goodbye to Sasha like it just happened. I remember how it felt so strange to me that this grief was so encompassing on the inside, but on the outside no one cared. It was surreal.
Now looking back on it I realize I had unrealistic expectations of people.
When a human dies in our lives, we have learned behaviors on how to react, how to treat others who have lost someone. We love other people, and people die. That’s life and it’s a shared experience.
But not all people are dog people.
Not everyone will experience dog love in their lifetime. So not everyone will experience the loss of this kind of relationship. Knowing this will help you to better cope with your grief, and be able to deal with those around you who don’t get it.
Tips for Healing
Here are some things you can do to help you through your grief when you don’t feel supported by those around you:
1. Surround yourself with dog people, especially those who have lost a dog love. Find a support group (they do exist!) or just a few friends you know who have dogs in their lives. Spending time with people who get it while you are grieving can be therapeutic.
2. Communicate with people about what you need. Don’t be afraid to let people know what you are going through and to ask for what you need. Take time off from work if you can and feel you need to. Reschedule those weekend plans. Letting people know is not silly, it’s necessary.
3. If you get angry, put things into perspective. I remember after Sasha passed away someone saying something like, “It was just a dog.” This made me so angry. But when I realized they just don’t get it and that was their version of trying to console me, I wasn’t as angry.
4. Give yourself permission to grieve. Sometimes subconsciously we may be saying to ourselves, “Is it stupid that I am so upset about this?” The answer is NO. Even if no one else in your life gets that you are grieving over the loss of a loved one, a family member, DON’T buy into that thinking yourself. Dog love is serious, simple, and deep. Losing your dog can sometimes hurt worse than losing some people we have known. Let yourself feel the feelings and don’t apologize for it.
5. Practice self-care. Do things for yourself during this time. Get a massage. Go for a long walk in the woods. Spend time with those you love. Whatever self-care looks like for you, carve out extra time for those things while you are grieving.
Letting go of Sasha was, to date, the hardest thing we have ever done.
If I had done a few of these things after Sasha passed I think it would have been a little easier. I’m hoping reading this will make it easier for you.
We remember Sasha and talk about her often. She was a great dog with her own way of doing things and we still miss her. Our other two rescue dogs are wonderful and loved, but Sasha was my first dog love. Like Sheryl Crow sings, the first cut is the deepest.
